KaibaCorp CPR class, or how not to save lives
by Strawberry Moon 007
Summary: After Battle City Kaiba is forced to have a CPR training class before his next tournament. With the variety of people present he was a fool to think that it could ever run smoothly... Inspired by a sketch from the Office U.S version. Warning, contains Kaiba mocking that Yugi has Diabetes. I don't own Yugioh or Danganronpa 2, which is where i got the instructor from.


Everyone had been very excited at the announcement of a new Duel Monsters tournament at Kaibaland. However Kaiba had been informed that due to rumors being spread about dangerous happenings such as duelists being injured in Battle City, the tournament would not be allowed to take place unless all the participants had received some form of first aid training. It didn't help that Pegasus had helpfully taken the opportunity to remind him that "No accidents of that amount ever happened at Duellist Kingdom Kaiba boy!" Not to mention the fact that Yugi Moto, king of games himself, had diabetes had become public knowledge, causing people to persist for concrete evidence that Kaibaland had the highest standard of medical care.

So now the duelists, plus Yugi's cheerleaders because they went everywhere that Yugi went, Pegasus because he wanted to be better prepared if Yami Bakura was to unexpectedly attack him while he was down again (although the albino yami had voiced his disinterest in doing so since Pegasus no longer held the Millennium Eye) and Dartz because… quite frankly Kaiba didn't know why but he didn't really care, at least he had got a restraining order issued against that red haired follower of his, were seated in a conference room of the main Kaibaland hotel. The first aid teacher, a young woman in a pink nurses outfit with an uneven haircut and an extremely nervous disposition stood next to the CPR mannequin. Kaiba had been dismayed that he couldn't just hire the dummy unless the instructor came with it, adding one more factor to the young CEO's stress levels.

"Ok listen up dweebs," Kaiba began, standing in front of the small audience. "I know you're all wondering why you're here,"

"Not really, we know your tournaments are schwach." Zigfried Von Schroeder called from one of the back seats. He had only come to drop off his brother but had decided to stick around in the hopes that Ami Mizuno would be teaching the lesson. Unfortunately he had been sorely disappointed as she had not yet completed her own exams and was therefore still unqualified.

Kaiba paused for a moment to throw a crumpled ball of paper in the German CEO's direction, who neatly avoided it, before turning back to the group.

"But for legal purposes we're required to have some knowledge of health and safety before you participate in my tournament so if you want to duel next week I suggest you just sit still and shut up." With that he strode over to the corner of the room where he stood with his arms folded, his steel blue eyes glaring from the shadows of his fringe.

"So, um…" Instructor Mikan Tsumiki began, shaking a little. "I-I thought we could start with the rule ABC. It stands for Airways, Breathing and Circulation."

"That could be a little confusing because in Atlantis ABC means Ask Before Conquering." Dartz interrupted.

"I should be teaching this course!" Valon shouted.

"Silence Valon." Dartz said irritably. The brunette pouted but sat back down next to the man in the lavender suit with a sulk.

"Er… the best way to learn this is by having a demonstration, does anyone want to volunteer?"

"I'll go first!" Marik put his hand up and ran to the front. A few people sweatdropped as he took a selfie of the dummy and posted it on Facebook.

"Ok, first to try CPR, hashtagFirst…" He muttered as he finished typing the post. "Ok, I'm ready now!"

"So, assessing the situation," Tsumiki told the class as he bent down to the mannequin's level. "Is he breathing?"

"No, and he has no arms or legs!" Marik added.

"Th-that's not part of it…" Tsumiki stuttered, incredibly ill prepared to deal with these people.

"Where are they?"

"I-it's just how the dummy is designed…"

"What would someone with no arms and legs be doing in Kaibaland?" Marik continued to probe further. "Do we even bother resuscitating somebody with no arms or legs? I mean what kind of quality of life do we have there?" He looked at Yugi and Joey. "Have you ever tried to duel without arms or legs?"

"Hmm, I don't know, I've never tried it before…" Joey scratched his head, trying to figure how he could make it work. Yugi just sweatdropped at the Egyptian's train of thought and was thankful his friend couldn't see Kaiba staring daggers in their direction.

"I think they could duel without legs!" Leon Von Schroeder spoke up. "All they need is something to hold their cards and duel disk with!" He looked down in thought. "They would need their arms for that though…"

"Maybe they used to have them but they got ripped off somehow," Ryou suggested.

"That can happen in Kaibaland?" Serenity looked shocked.

"Have you seen those fighter simulators? I imagine Flame Swordsman or any monster wielding a weapon could take a limb or two!" Mai remarked. "Even the prototypes were real enough!"

"Don't worry Serenity, I'll protect you from the Swordsmen!" Duke instantly rushed to her side.

"Are you kidding? I'd be much better at fighting them! You'd probably run away if they cut your ponytail off!" Tristan looked put out. Serenity sweatdropped as they began to squabble about who would be the first to lose their limbs in battle.

Sensing his brother's immense discomfort Mokuba had enough. "That's enough!" He shouted at the top of his voice. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked silently at the younger Kaiba as he regained his composure, ready to answer the questions.

"Marik, the person got into an accident where their arms and legs were ripped off and then they had a heart attack and now they can't breathe!" He then turned to the two other boys. "And Tristan and Duke, neither of your would lose your arms or legs, not even your hair because the monsters in the simulators are all holograms! Is everyone happy now?"

"Oh, so we'd resuscitate them, then reattach the arms and legs? Ok!" Marik seemed satisfied. "Sorry I just needed that cleared up."

"Ok, you- you really should get back to it, because you're losing him," Tsumiki reprimanded quietly.

"Oh, ok." Marik turned his attentions back to the doll and started to press down on its chest.

"This is boring!" He groaned loudly. "It's taking forever!"

"It's only been 20 seconds." Tsumiki whispered.

"Whatever, I think I've got the basics down." Marik shrugged as he got up. "Someone else can do it now." He went back to his seat.

"D-does anyone w-want to go next?" Tsumiki looked desperately to the audience.

"Absolutely, I would not." Dartz deadpanned.

"You know who I think should do it?" Kaiba suddenly spoke up. "Yugi!"

"Whaa? Why me?" The king of games exclaimed, startled at being placed in the spotlight by his rival.

Kaiba bent down to Yugi's level, having to bend on his knees to do so. "Your little cheer squad is not always going to be there to coddle you and your diabetes back to health. If you collapsed somewhere in Kaibaland, what do you think would happen?"

"Don't listen to him Yu-" Tea began but Kaiba sharply cut her off.

"If you collapse in my theme park Kaibacorp will be held liable for having the King of Games die inside its property. And you're ok with that?!"

"Kaiba, I'm not going to be in that situation…" Yugi began uncertainly.

"No no, get up, you're doing this!" Before he had any other chance to protest Kaiba grabbed him by the arm and yanked him up from his seat.

"Do it Yugi! You're losing you! You're losing you! This is you we're talking about!" Kaiba bellowed into Yugi's ear, crouching down beside him as he tried to carry out the exercise.

"Maybe it's a good thing that he doesn't show support for anyone." Tristan watched the scene with a sweatdrop.

"Kaiba!" Tea exclaimed in alarm as the CEO suddenly gripped the shorter boys shoulders and shoved him up and down, trying to make him go faster.

"Kaiba! What are you doing?" Yami exclaimed as the Millenium puzzle glowed.

"Saving your life Yugi," Kaiba sneered. "You'll thank me when you're all alone suffering of panic attacks!"

"Kaiba's lucky he never got a shadow game in Battle City." Marik remarked.

"Trust me, he still wouldn't have believed it." Pegasus told him.

"Ugh let me show you how it's done!" Having had enough with the slow pace, Kaiba shoved Yami out of the way and knelt down by the dummy, where he proceeded to pound his clasped hands into its chest at lightning speed.

"Erm, Mr Kaiba?" Tsumiki began in a nervous whisper, moving to try and tap him on the shoulder.

"WHAT?!" He whirled up to face her with a steel glare.

"…You're going too fast!"

"..." He got up with a scowl and strode back into the corner.

"Ok everyone," Tsumiki told them, somewhat shaken by Kaiba's poison glare. "You need to pump at 100 beats per minute."

"How's anyone gonna know that?" Joey asked. "I don't wanna do the math on how many times to do it when I could be losing someone!"

"You'd probably be the one putting lives in danger Wheeler," Kaiba scoffed, folding his arms.

"I HEARD THAT RICH BOY!"

"Erm… well a useful trick is to pump to the tune of stayin' alive by the Bee Gees," Tsumiki began.

"Ooh let me have a turn! I love that song!" Pegasus exclaimed excitedly. He ran to the front and knelt by the dummy.

"First I was afraid, I was petrified…" He began to sing.

"Actually that's the wrong song," The nurse interjected. "It goes: Ah ah ah ah stayin' alive, stayin alive,"

"Oh, right-"

"-You were in the parking lot earlier, that's 'ow I know you!" Valon suddenly exclaimed, pointing at Tsumiki. Everyone looked at him.

"…ah ah ah ah Stayin' alive, stayin' alive." Pegasus started again as if there had been no interruption, this time with the correct rhythm.

" _You can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm a woman's man, no time to talk,"_ Duke started to sing from his seat in an unnaturally high voice.

" _Music loud, women warm, I've been kicked around since I was born,"_ Marik joined in.

"It's alright, it's ok! You can look the other way!" They started to rise from their chairs; Tea too couldn't resist getting up from her seat to dance around to the catchy beat.

"Na na na na na na na na na na na na Stayin' alive! Stayin' alive!" In no time at all most of them were out of their seats, dancing to the disco song up at the front, clapping in time to the rhythm, despite not really knowing most of the words. Even Pegasus had stood up to join in, abandoning the artificial casualty on the floor.

Ryou turned to Tsumiki with an apologetic sweatdrop. "I suppose it wouldn't be a good idea to ask if we've made any progress?"

"Well…" Tsumiki looked away as she fingered one of her shorter strands of hair. "You didn't maintain 100 beats per minute, and the ambulance didn't arrive because nobody called 911. So you lost him." She finished quietly. A few people looked down, somehow ashamed that their efforts hadn't paid off. However others seemed unfazed.

"Ok he's dead, does anyone know what we do next?" Marik took charge after the two-second silence as he looked to the audience. "Anyone?"

"We bury him?" Mai suggested.

"I have an idea!" Zigfried raised a hand. "We should throw ze body into ze volcano in ze lava arena! Destroy ze evidence!"

"But he needs a proper burial to make sure his soul passes into the afterlife!" Yami said.

"If only I still had the Great Leviathan," Dartz mused.

"Good answers but no, first we have to check for an organ donor card! If he has one we only have minutes to harvest!" Marik told him.

"He has no wallet, I checked." Valon piped up.

"He is an organ donor!" Duke said suddenly.

"He is?" The front of Ryou's hair suddenly stood on end as he gave an evil grin. He strode to the front. "I'll need some ice and a Styrofoam bucket!"

"BAKURA!" Everyone yelled as Bakura pulled a knife out from his pocket and plunged it into the dummy's chest, slicing it down the middle.

"We search for the organs!" He shouted, sticking his hand into the opening. "Where's the heart, the vital heart," He murmured to himself in a somewhat unhinged manner.

"Zigfried if this goes on YouTube I will sue you and Schroedercorp within an inch of your life!" Kaiba shouted across the room at his pink haired rival who had got his phone and had started filming.

"What's wrong with him?!" Serenity looked scared and moved behind Joey.

"We still don't completely know," Joey looked disturbed at the Yami's actions. "But don't worry Sis we won't let him hurt you!" She looked reassured by this.

Bakura turned around. The face of the dummy had been ripped off the mannequin and he had balanced it on his face, making him look like a serial killer from a slasher movie franchise.

"EWW THAT'S GROSS!" Everyone exclaimed in disgust.

"Why would you do that you creep?!" Mai shrieked, her hand covering her mouth in horrified revulsion.

Bakura looked at the disembodied plastic face in his hands. "I didn't think the movies were very realistic, but it turns out… it's pretty realistic!" He nodded approvingly at it.

"Someone please tell me he hasn't cut a real person's face off!" Tea shuddered.

"He probably used to all the time in ancient Egypt!" Tristan grimaced at the albino's psycho grin.

"We are all agreed, if anyone gets injured we have to keep him away from them." Yami stated seriously. The others gave a solemn nod.

"Hey guys!" Marik shouted, silencing them. Everyone turned to look in his direction.

"The instructor's fainted." He pointed to Tsumiki, lying on the floor.

"Alright," Yami made a path through the others and knelt down by the unconscious nurse. "Let's use the knowledge she gave us to save her! Let's assess the situation, is she breath-"

"-Yes." Said Dartz

"What?" Yami looked up, startled.

"Yes, she is breathing." Dartz repeated, blinking his yellow eyes.

"…" Yami looked down to see that the blue haired man was right, her chest was heaving up and down at a steady pace.

"But… she only told us what to do if the patient wasn't breathing! We didn't get to that part!" He exclaimed, his purple eyes wide.

Ryou, who had just regained control of his body when no one was looking, didn't like to point out that they hadn't even completed that single stage yet.

"Wait, someone put her feet on a chair!" Tristan said suddenly.

"No that's for shock, idiot!" Duke snapped. "You have to be conscious for that!"

"Er…" Joey had grabbed one of the free booklets and was frantically leafing through the pages. "Aha, here! Roll her onto her front!"

"That's for choking, you've got your hand over the title!" Tea scolded.

The entire room had erupted into pandemonium with everyone flapping about, suggesting different treatments for different injuries.

"QUIET!"

"Huh?" Everyone turned around to see that it was Mokuba who had made the noise.

"Maybe if you'd all been paying attention and not kept interrupting, this wouldn't have happened!" The raven-haired boy snapped. His shoulders dropped with a huge sigh. "Let's just look at the leaflets and see what to do."

"W-w-where am I?"

"Huh?" Everyone turned in the opposite direction to see Tsumiki's eyes fluttering open. She had been moved into the recovery position with Serenity and Ryou kneeling next to her.

"I used to spend a lot of time in hospital when I was younger," Serenity explained with a smile. "I picked up a few things!"

As everyone started crowding around them asking their various questions, two people remained at the back of the room.

"Seto, should I call the hospital and ask them to come again tomorrow?" Mokuba asked.

"…It counts." Kaiba said with a tone of finality.

"But no one really learnt any-"

"I said. IT COUNTS."

000

It was late at night and the Von Schroeder brothers were being driven back to their hotel in a pink limo.

"Zigfried, you're not really going to post that video of the CPR class on YouTube are you?" Leon asked nervously.

"Of course not, do not vorry Leon!" Zigfried patted his brother's head with a charming smile. "I vill not let anything bad happen to our company!"

However his green eyes then gave a wicked glint. "Of course, Herr Kaiba said nothing about instagram!"


End file.
